So why am I so passionate about what I do?
Well, I got married in my early 20s, and divorced by my mid-20s. I learned some lessons about not expecting other people to change, and accepting them for who they are, and that I shouldn't be with someone just because they were nice to me and thoughtful.
That continued to be a thing for me, for the most part: being with people out of gratitude, but also out of a desperation for security and love.
Like so many, I grew up without close relationships with my parents, and it was particularly the lack of a relationship with my dad that drove me to seek solace in romantic relationships. I looked to men to rescue me, and fix this emptiness that I was feeling inside. Strangely enough, I found myself attracting men that I found a need to rescue. Although that need was more about earning their love.
That's how I felt growing up – that the only way to get love was to earn it. The only way I got attention from my dad was through achieving something; that's what I tied my value to. And it plagued me with my relationships, and even the way I did life since.
Does this sound familiar to you? Have you been tying your value to other people's attention or achievements that you've made? Do you feel that love has to be earned?
The shift for me began when I found myself in an on again / off again relationship for nearly 5 years – and to be fair, I could barely call it a relationship. It was mostly a situationship, because he never wanted to commit. There were so many reasons/excuses for it, but yet the carrot kept being dangled for me which gave me hope.
I accepted the breadcrumbs I was given, and the empty promises. Why? Partly because I was tired of dating by the time he and I met. Partly because he originally pursued me with wild abandon, when the guys I was meeting online couldn't pull their finger out to get us going. Partly because I thought I loved him, and I spent a lot of time dreaming about his potential and basically dating that in my head.
I often found myself devouring books and watching YouTube videos of male coaches to try and learn the workings of a male brain, and learn how to capture this man and make him commit. During my search I stumbled across a book by Sherry Argov: 'Why Men Love B*tches', and it was from this book I learned that I was portraying myself as a woman of low value. And this was further reinforced by Brian Nox's book 'F*ck him! Nice Girls Finish Single'.
It really shook me to realise that not only was I portraying myself as a woman who didn't value herself by the way I was behaving, but the actual truth was: I didn't value myself.
That was the start of my journey to building my self-worth, and raising my value. Eventually I called time on the situationship and never looked back. I finally understood that I deserved better.
I'd love to say that I suddenly started making better choices with men, but it took a bit of work before I got there! Not that there was anything 'wrong' with who came next, as I was fortunate to always talk to, meet and date nice guys. But, there was still that part of me that was desperate for that love and security (especially after feeling so rejected from that situationship), and I just went for anyone...cue square peg, round hole situations. I was willing to bend over backwards to make something work, even though I knew deep down they weren't for me.
After I started working with a coach, in one of my sessions I had a moment of clarity about why I threw myself into my relationships so much, caring little about getting much back: I was still trying to earn love, but I also realised that I'd grown up with the belief that my needs were not as important as others. I was still there not feeling worthy enough to have my own needs met, and get what I want in life.
During my coaching I started to think more deeply about what it was that I wanted in a relationship – what did I need. And how did I need to behave to project my value. Such game-changers for me.
I stopped just allowing anyone in, and found myself starting to attract guys who were much more aligned with me, and what I wanted.
Now I can proudly say that I have more confidence in myself and my dating journey. I am firm with my boundaries and no longer bend over backwards to please anyone, and certainly if they're not willing to bend over backwards for me. I value myself highly, and draw those guys to me who make much more sense for me.
Because of my journey, I am very passionate about helping women to love themselves first, to not look for a relationship to make them feel happy or complete (it doesn't work), and to get clarity on what they want from a relationship. Also how to make sure they are showing up to be their best self so they are putting out there what they want to attract.
It's so important to me that the women I work with, and am called to help, believe in themselves and in their ability to attract the relationship they desire, and the relationship they truly deserve. 💜
Talk to me now!
There’s no commitment, pressure, or obligation.